Sunday, November 06, 2005

Work…

So, there’s been this situation at work.
It’s something I have dealt with before, admittedly never very well, and something I am starting to believe I will always have to deal with.
Men.  Not just any men, but men with low self esteem who target me with anger and hostility.  And I think it is because I am a strong woman.  So, this case specifically…
This is an older gentleman.  Not one that I like, not one that I dislike.  I can easily pick out his faults and see where he has gone astray and I try to not rub his mistakes in his face.  If I were a man I could do it, probably pretty easily.  But I’m not, I’m a woman and I have to be kinder than that.  At least I attempt to be kinder than that.
Anyway – this guy has been openly hostile in meetings.  He has openly attacked me and my opinions in meetings.  Telling me that I am wrong and what I am saying it just plain stupid.  The really stupid thing is, he’s the wrong one.  But it doesn’t matter.
Okay.  It’s happened a few times and the last time it happened I could feel myself at the end of my rope.  One of my co-workers even said she could see fire coming out of my eyes.  So I went to my manager and asked her what to do. 
Ever so helpful, she sent me to his manager to get it figured out.
Long story short, on Friday they asked me to meet with him, and tell him how I feel.  Here’s the kicker.  Somehow he managed to make this whole thing my fault.  He was re-acting to me.  He said that I am so much smarter than he is; my intelligence is so far above his, that I intimidate him into being hostile.  He said that he always feels like I am out to get him.  That I am watching him and that I call out every mistake he makes. 
The thing is…it’s not untrue.  I do watch him, just like I watch every one on my team.  I do correct mistakes, I do it to everyone.  That’s part of the reason I am around.  I pay attention, I listen, I keep people honest – or at least I try to.
What I don’t understand is the whole “you’re so smart it’s scary” thing that people keep pulling on me.  Just like the “you’re so mature for your age” thing.  I’m not that smart.  I am in some areas.  But so is everyone.  And the whole mature thing, am I not old enough yet to just be my age?  Because I no longer thing I am “mature for my age.” I think I’ve reached an age where my maturity has caught up with me.  I know tons of people my age who are a heck of a lot more mature at this point.  I’m just a kid anymore…
But, deep down inside, I’m worried.  I’m worried about going to work in the morning.  I am worried about seeing this guy, and my other co-workers who know something is up.  I’m not looking forward to continuing to interact with my boss, who has become distant through out this entire thing and, really, wasn’t very helpful.  After the whole confrontation she just kind of kicked me out of her office and said get back to work.  Very supportive.  The manager of the guy was the one to ask me if I was okay.  Sheesh.
I really just want to call in sick for this week and stay home.  But I can’t.  I have to go to work.  I have to be the team player I always am.  I have to put my chin up and be strong.
Being an Adult sucks.