Sunday, January 07, 2007

What Happened?

I’m torn between worlds at the moment.  Torn between the reality I live in the and the imaginary world I want to live in.  It kind of stinks.  The real world has all kinds of people in it, people who want to talk to me and see me and discuss what’s happening in their lives and the lives of the people they know.  Gossip usually ensues.  The imaginary world is full of people doing all kinds of things that I can’t seem to get down on paper.  The two worlds have been colliding on a regular basis with reality winning out.
I hate when that happens.
Work has been the main focus of my reality lately.  I keep freaking out because I have the strange feeling that work has become too important to me.  I keep wanting to do well, wanting to get things right, help people.  In wanting to do the right thing, I focus on my job and start to let it take over. 
If I loved my job this might be a good thing.
But there is no love.  I focus on the job when I want to not think about other parts of my life, like writing.  I know I will never get the novel written if I don’t sit down and write.  It’s so much easier to get caught up in work, to write procedure documents, train people, teach people, and help support people.  To forget about my passion, my writing.
Then I get angry and lash out, I don’t want to do my job, I hate where I work, the people are stupid and uncreative.  The job is uncreative. I end up in the mess I find myself in today.
Sitting in the café, attempting to write about characters I’ve let slip through my fingers. 
So the cycle continues…