Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Trying my patience

Today I lost my patience.  I’m not sure why, there was no specific reason for me to.  But all day long I felt like an emotional bomb waiting to explode.  I attempted to explode this morning, but I was quickly diffused by my co-workers.  Good job, I say.
The rest of the day was filled with one almost explosion after another.  I did my best to stay calm and just avoid situations that would lead me to losing my temper, and I did a really good job.
The mood continued into class tonight.  I didn’t want to listen to the teacher lecture.  I didn’t want to sit still.  I wanted to walk, I wanted to write, I wanted to think about my characters.  Instead I attempted to pay attention.  I did write, and I only walked around during my breaks.  I think I did well for myself today.  Deep breath.  Tomorrow will be better.
Part of my problem with my current situation is the book I am reading.  I decided to pick up one of my teacher’s novels to see what it’s like.  She seems very intelligent and very excited and she is, after all, critiquing my work.  I wanted to see how this woman writes.  I’m rather disappointed.  I realize that I have only read her first novel.  I picked up a couple of them to see if I can see her writing mature.  I have been told that the first is the hardest and usually the roughest.  I can believe it, but I wanted more from her.  So, we’ll see.  I’m giving it a chance, but I’m just not being held by the story telling. 
So, not being held by the story irritates me.  I feel like I should be more entertained than I am.  I know it’s an important lesson.  If my writing does not hold itself together, if I cannot entertain and keep people interested they will not read my writing anymore than I want to read hers.  At least not at the moment.  So…
I’m thinking after this I am going to read something I have read before that I know I enjoyed.  I think I may be getting stumped in my own writing because I’m not reading something that really interests me.  I know when I read really interesting, really cool stuff I write better.  I’m thinking I’ve had enough with the bad writing and experimentation with new authors.  I need to read stuff that interests me, keep me thinking and helps me expand my creativity.
Okay.  All crises were averted today.  I did not bite any one’s head of.  I did not cause any problems with anyone (that I know of anyway.) And I made it home safely from class.  Tomorrow is Wednesday, and since I have Friday off I am halfway through my week.  As mom said earlier today, “Come on Friday!”