Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Life “Stuff”

I’ve been vaguely concerned with life “stuff” lately.  Specifically the fact that my 10 year high school reunion will be coming up next summer.  I know, I know, it seems a bit early to be thinking about next summer, what with it being November and all.  But several things have happened lately that have caused me to think about where my life is now in comparison with my friends.
Yes, I know that we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but I live in the real world and so I do anyway.
I’ve received a lot of news from people lately.  People are getting married, people who have been married are having kids, and people who have kids are having more kids.  Careers are taking off.  People are moving up in the world.  Etc, etc, etc.
Then I think about me. 
I’m not married.  I don’t have kids (nor do I plan to anytime soon.) I’m not sure about my career.  I still have that whole in the wrong band thing going on.  Mostly because I don’t really think I belong doing what I am doing.  It works for now, but I don’t think I’ll be doing it in 5 years or anything. 
Anyway, I’ve been freaking out a little bit about my future.  Where am I headed, what am I thinking about, will I get married, will I have children, will I finally figure out my career. 
Tonight I realized something. 
I don’t want to think about getting married.  Not right now.  It’s not the right time yet, and when it is, it will happen.  But getting upset and fretting about it, it only drives me and every one around me crazy.  I’m happy.  I’m happier than I have been in a long time.  For right now, that is enough.
I don’t want to think about kids.  There is a good chance I will never have them.  And that is okay.  I don’t have to.  I may want to someday, but that is someday and I cannot tell the future.
All of those people, all of the old “friends” that don’t bother to write anymore, they don’t really matter.  Not in my every day life.  I’ve moved on.  So have they, which is why they don’t write anymore.  Why we don’t pick up the phone and call each other. 
And that’s okay. 
It’s okay to be who I am, to believe in what I believe, to live the way I live.  I may miss the reunion, but those people who matter, those people I care about, I don’t have to be re-united with them.  We never left each other.  And that is what really matters.