Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Laying Awake

I should be sleeping.
Instead I’m up, again, thinking about tomorrow.  Thinking about something I have to do that I don’t want to do.  Mainly bailing out Tiny, again.  It’s so frustrating for me, knowing that he’s leveled higher than I am, he’s supposed to be “better” and “more experienced” and yet I am the one that bails him out when things get too hard.  This time it’s all about documentation.  The boss wants me to “help” Tiny with the project documentation that has to be done for the close of the project.  “Helping” Tiny means doing it for him.  Only I have to do it in such a way that he doesn’t feel threatened or he might attack. 
I’m just so frustrated with my current position.  I sit through classes where I already know the material.  I talk to people about things I already know SO much about.  And yet...and yet I can’t seem to get into the positions that will allow me to do all the things I know. 
After every interview I keep thinking, “I’ve nailed it, this is the one for me” but they’ve all fallen through.  I’m still stuck.
I know I’m tired.  I’m mentally exhausted from the game I have to play at work.  Pretending like it’s alright for me to be there every day, as if I don’t dread going there every morning.  It’s completely depressing knowing that, no matter what I do, I will be completely passed over in my current position.  All because I want to be something that doesn’t fit with the box they wanted to put me in. 
I’m trying really hard to keep my spirits up, to keep telling myself that it will be okay a new position will come along.
But it just sucks to have to go to work every day, feeling like this.