Monday, April 18, 2005

I’ll have a large plate of “Jaded” with a side of “Who Cares” please

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy, go lucky kind of gal. 
I like to smile to myself and to others when I’m walking down the street. 
I would always stop and give someone the time of day, or directions, or help when I can. 
However, this attitude seems to be disappearing, especially with the move to a different building.  Today at lunch I walked 2 blocks (one block there, one black back) and was approached for money no less than 6 times.  People took various tactics, I’m hungry, I need bus fare, I’m homeless and need help, etc.  It was all the same.  Please open your pocket book and give me cash.
I don’t smile anymore.  I don’t look at people; they are apt to ask me for money.  I don’t stop and help, they just want money.  I even went so far as to interrupt a beggar today and just say, “I don’t have money, get out of my way.” Morally I feel bad.  It isn’t good to be mean to people, Karma and all that, you know?  But in reality there is no way I can help all of these people.  And once you give them change they mark you and keep coming back again and again, acting as if you are a piggy bank. 
It sucks. 
Plus, they get right in your face.  They don’t smell pretty, some of them smell down right rancid.  And then there are the crazed looking people, who look at you without seeing, but are so used to begging that they don’t notice you as anything more than a piggy bank.  It bothers me, a lot.
It bothers me because I have changed my attitude.  I am mean, where before I was annoyed.  I find myself turning cold when one of them appears at my elbow.  I’m angry.  I won’t smile.  I am not open. 
I know it is self defense, but that doesn’t make it okay.  It makes me jaded.  And sad.  Very sad.