Sunday, October 16, 2005

Hard Work

Things are a little more difficult than I had expected them to be.  I hadn’t planned on the writing class being as hard as it is.  Or that it would make me so crazed and emotional.  I find myself worrying about what is going to happen and lashing out at people.  When I started the class, I didn’t have any ideas.  All I had was a character who hated her shoes.  Now, by the second class, I feel as though I might have an actual story on my hands.  Which scares me and thrills me at the same time.  A story.  And it just might work. 
The details haven’t come to me yet, but I have three if not four scenes to work with so far.  Like I said, it is incredibly exciting for me.  But at the same time totally frustrating.  I would rather write, I would rather think about and contemplate the life of my character than live my own. Okay, that isn’t totally true; there are many parts of my life that I love.  I think it’s just work.
I would rather write than work.
Argh.

So, then, there’s a problem.  Because work has caught up with me.  We’ve gone into an uphill swing again where I am busy most of the time.  And busy doing lots of things I would rather not be doing.  Mostly because I would rather be writing.  I have become the “go-to” person on my team.  People are fighting over me as a resource.  Everyone wants a piece of me.  And I have lost my ambition.  I don’t really care.  I want them to be successful, I like the majority of my co-workers, but I don’t want to be responsible for their stuff anymore.  Hm, not sure that makes sense. 
I guess I just don’t want to work that hard.  I’d rather work hard on my characters, at living in my imagination, rather than attempting to live in the corporate world.  It just seems so fruitless.  Everyday I go to a windowless cube under fluorescent lights and attend countless meetings.  I write up reports, which have more pictures than actual content because that is what the “executives” want to see.  I write emails, I answer emails, I make calls, I answer calls, and I run around, for what?  Nothing tangible comes out of what I do. 
Perhaps that is what is bothering me.  The lack of tangibility in what I do. 

Digressing again.  Due to my hectic schedule and work picking up I haven’t had as much energy to blog as I normally do.  I find that when I am not in class or working on my homework that I simply want to sit in front of the television and, well, sit.  Not think, not do, just sit and veg for it. 
Of course I’ve just made it through week 2 of having class 3 nights a week.  1 writing class, 2 belly dance classes.  I figure things will get better as I get used to being out and doing more. 
Let’s just consider this a transition period.