Thursday, January 27, 2005

All That Jazz

All That Jazz

So much has happened this week. And yet so much has not happened this week.
My Boss is leaving. I wanted to jump for joy when I heard the news. At the same time, I am not so happy. There are the general questions of what will happen to me and where should I go from here. I realize that this is a catalyst. I need to use her exit as a jumping board to free myself from where I am. Yet I am getting pushback from all directions. Why don't I wait and see what happens. Why do I want to change. Why haven't I been happy and why haven't I done something sooner to change.
I know in my heart that I cannot continue to live as I have been living. I have been miserable in so many aspects of my life, I don't want to me miserable in any of them any longer. Life is too short. It's to precious. And, as my mother would say, you only get to live this life once.
I think to myself, enough is enough. I tell people, enough is enough. I have sat at my desk since July and made copies, written meeting minutes, and calendared appointments. I don't want to do it any more. I want to work, I want to use my brain, and I want...I want to feel useful.
So I have been talking. I have been talking to everyone I know. I have been telling them that I am miserable. I have been describing the things I have been doing for the last 7 months. In detail. I'm smart, I say, look at what I did before I got here. I can do more. I can contribute.
Someone took the bait. Get a transfer request signed and we will interview you. If we can get you out of where you are, we will.
So I fill out the request. I carefully fill in all of the information I can. All the boss has to do is sign it. I take it to her. She knows I am talking to this other group. She knows I am looking for other opportunities. She looks at the sheet and says, "I don't think I can sign this." Why? She looks at me... she tells me that I am a great performer and I have done great work for her, but she just isn't sure she can sign the request.
I know why she hesitated and it makes me hate her. I feel the anger swell inside of me as I walk out of the building. So much anger I want to cry. She doesn't want me to be in any other position. She knows that if I am there people can rely on me to get certain things done. All of this is true. But it is also true that I can get all of my work done in two days a week. She is leaving. She doesn't want me to leave too.
I think to myself, too bad. It will happen. I cannot continue to do what I have been doing. I am angry at life, at work, at my boss. Worst of all, I no longer care. I don't care about the report, I don't care about the portfolio, I don't care about anything. I don't have to. There is always someone around to do all the thinking for me. I am not required to think at my job. I just required to show up, make the copies and take the meeting minutes.
Aurgh.
Regardless, I cannot stay where I am any longer. I have told myself not to push, to wait and see what happens when she leaves, but I have seen the org chart. And something worse has happened. They want to hire a project manager for our portfolio manager to mentor. And it won't be me. I am not ready. They won't even give me a chance. They want me to stay where I am, to keep making copies. I won't do it. I will not. I cannot. I'm going insane.

If she doesn't sign the request I will go to her boss and ask him to sign it. I know him, I have worked with him in the past. I would hate to do it, I would hate to have to tell the truth about what has been happening, but I would do it. I wouldn't want my boss to look bad on her way out, but this is my future and if she won't sign I will find someone who will.

There just has to be a way out of this. There has to be.


Posted by Autumn Goddess on 01/27 at 04:02 PM
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