Friday, February 16, 2007

3 am

It’s three in the morning.  I’ve been up at 3 most mornings lately.  That seems to be when my restless mind wakes up and starts working on things. 
Things like, work, life, my future. 
Do I like my job?  What am I going to do about the latest bit of strife?  Will I somehow be able to get all my work done even though more work keeps coming my way?  What will I do in April when we go steady state and I have to deal with Tiny as a Release Manager?
Do I even care?
It’s the last question that really has me wondering.  I keep feeling like I should be doing something else, but I am really not sure what that is.  I search the want ads, to just see if there is something that catches my eye, if by chance I will run across that something that will tell me.  I keep my eyes open, would I want to be doing this or that job?  With limited exposure to the world I wonder what is really out there.
Then the question of my hobbies comes into the picture.  I am still working on the novel I started almost two years ago.  Two years!  How did that happen?  And how can it be two years later and all I have is 4 sketchy chapters? 
Though I have to say those 4 chapters are better than anything I wrote while taking the writing classes.  I got some good ideas and good direction – but I certainly work better on my own – at least where the rough draft is concerned. 
I started Belly dance again last night.  It was almost like going back home.  The same people where there, some looking slightly different, others looking exactly the same.  I fell into rank around the teacher and though I am a little rusty in my moves, it all came back pretty quickly.  I wondered why I had left.  I KNOW why, don’t get me wrong, but I wondered at myself for giving up something.
And it got me thinking – what else have I given up?
I’m not feeling morbid about life; I’m not feeling sad either.  I’m just feeling…contemplative.  I know that life is what you make of it and you should follow your passion and really try to do what makes you happy.  I’m just not sure what that is.  And maybe I’m not supposed to know just yet.  But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to figure it out.