Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Sinking Feeling

Things are starting to heat up at work and with the wedding.  The heightened stress levels became apparent to me via my dreams last night. I am pretty sure that anyone can see the symbolism in these…

Exhibit A: That Sinking Feeling
I was on a boat, a ship, a brigade from the 15th century.  We were sailing through a narrow channel and it was a bright sunny day.  The ship was full of people that I like to work with, people I get along with.  Suddenly another ship, just like ours, comes sailing towards us, straight on.  I can see people on the deck that I don’t like, people I feel may be causing more stress than they are worth.  The boat slams into ours and we start sinking.

Exhibit B: That Splashing Feeling
I was on a flattened cardboard box on a man made water course.  It wasn’t one of those nice water courses you see at the water parks, where people go gently gliding past on over-sized donuts. No, this was a rushing torrent of water, with dangerous drop-offs, twists, turns and obstacles.  And I was smack dab in the middle of the torrent, on a card board box, hanging on for dear life and half drowning in the process. 

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well last night.  I finally gave up about 3am and went to sit in the living room.  I was exhausted, knew I was exhausted, but couldn’t get my mind to stop swirling.  All the things that I simply must get done in the next 3 to 5 weeks has been overwhelming my small brain.  I don’t know how I, or anyone for that matter, will be able to get everything done.  I try to talk to people about it, but they all look at me as thought I have nothing to worry about. 
I realize that every one I work with is overwhelmed.  We all have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.  And it isn’t that I can’t DO the work, it’s more that I am not sure what the work is I should be DOING.  I’ve not done any of this before and people pretty much leave me on my own to figure it all out.  I do think it’s partly my fault; I am so competent that people forget I have no idea what I am doing.  And when I remind them, they all seem so surprised…
The wedding, it is the wedding.  I can’t seem to take more than very small chunks of it at a time.  I know it drives my mother nuts, but I don’t know what to do about that.  I simply know that I cannot, CANNOT, do everything but I don’t know who will.  Mom doesn’t want to think about certain parts of the wedding, she’s only concerned with the Ceremony.  And I understand that.  But, well, that leaves the reception up to me.  And me alone.  Because I don’t know who to ask for help on that front.  I’d like to get others involved, but I don’t seem to be asking the right questions to actually have people take action to help me.  Perhaps it is the same problem I am having at work.  I seem competent so people figure I have it handled, even though I keep telling them I have no idea what I am doing. 
And when I talk about it people just smile at me and tell me everything will be fine.  Well sure, to them everything will be fine.  They don’t have to think or worry about any of it.  I do.