Sunday, November 06, 2005
Work…
So, there’s been this situation at work.
It’s something I have dealt with before, admittedly never very well, and something I am starting to believe I will always have to deal with.
Men. Not just any men, but men with low self esteem who target me with anger and hostility. And I think it is because I am a strong woman. So, this case specifically…
This is an older gentleman. Not one that I like, not one that I dislike. I can easily pick out his faults and see where he has gone astray and I try to not rub his mistakes in his face. If I were a man I could do it, probably pretty easily. But I’m not, I’m a woman and I have to be kinder than that. At least I attempt to be kinder than that.
Anyway – this guy has been openly hostile in meetings. He has openly attacked me and my opinions in meetings. Telling me that I am wrong and what I am saying it just plain stupid. The really stupid thing is, he’s the wrong one. But it doesn’t matter.
Okay. It’s happened a few times and the last time it happened I could feel myself at the end of my rope. One of my co-workers even said she could see fire coming out of my eyes. So I went to my manager and asked her what to do.
Ever so helpful, she sent me to his manager to get it figured out.
Long story short, on Friday they asked me to meet with him, and tell him how I feel. Here’s the kicker. Somehow he managed to make this whole thing my fault. He was re-acting to me. He said that I am so much smarter than he is; my intelligence is so far above his, that I intimidate him into being hostile. He said that he always feels like I am out to get him. That I am watching him and that I call out every mistake he makes.
The thing is…it’s not untrue. I do watch him, just like I watch every one on my team. I do correct mistakes, I do it to everyone. That’s part of the reason I am around. I pay attention, I listen, I keep people honest – or at least I try to.
What I don’t understand is the whole “you’re so smart it’s scary” thing that people keep pulling on me. Just like the “you’re so mature for your age” thing. I’m not that smart. I am in some areas. But so is everyone. And the whole mature thing, am I not old enough yet to just be my age? Because I no longer thing I am “mature for my age.” I think I’ve reached an age where my maturity has caught up with me. I know tons of people my age who are a heck of a lot more mature at this point. I’m just a kid anymore…
But, deep down inside, I’m worried. I’m worried about going to work in the morning. I am worried about seeing this guy, and my other co-workers who know something is up. I’m not looking forward to continuing to interact with my boss, who has become distant through out this entire thing and, really, wasn’t very helpful. After the whole confrontation she just kind of kicked me out of her office and said get back to work. Very supportive. The manager of the guy was the one to ask me if I was okay. Sheesh.
I really just want to call in sick for this week and stay home. But I can’t. I have to go to work. I have to be the team player I always am. I have to put my chin up and be strong.
Being an Adult sucks.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
The Write Stuff
Okay - I am going to put up a link to the page where I am putting my writing stuff.
If you have comments about what I am adding, please share them. But PLEASE be constructive.
Here’s the page:
The end of the week cannot come soon enough
Today wasn’t the best of days. In fact the beginning of the day was pretty crappy.
A few months ago, while I was taking a “learn to row” crew class I banged my knees with an oar. I hit both of them pretty hard but one knee took the brunt of the blow. Ever since then I have been babying the knee. When I started taking multiple Belly dance classes again the knee started really acting up. I went to the Dr. to see what she had to say. She gave me a list of exercises to do. I’ve been doing them pretty faithfully for two weeks. On Sunday, though, I twisted my knee pretty badly. So I have been limping around on it ever since.
Today I woke up and it was feeling VERY stiff. I attempted to stretch it out, but it wasn’t helping a whole lot. So I started my not so wonderful day out by limping up to the bus stop, in the rain.
Right. So it’s raining. Stupid Elizabeth doesn’t have her umbrella with her. So on the way to work she gets drenched. And I do mean drenched. I was pretty cold by the time I got to work.
I tried to look on the bright side and drank some warm tea. Then came the headache. I attempted to keep working through it, but it was getting worse. By the time I got out of my 8:30 meeting I was having serious problems. I went to meet with a co-worker and she turned off the overhead light in her office. There was immediate relief from the ache. I knew then I would have to go home.
So, I shut everything down and gathered up my stuff. I put on my wet coat and headed out. I ended up at the bus stop a little early for the next bus. So I waited, and waited, and it came. Yeah! I was on my way home. Then an odd thought hit me. Where were my keys?
Uh, yeah, I left my keys safely locked in my apartment. So, I immediately got off the bus. I called up Freeman to tell him the news, he was in a meeting, but he told me where his keys were. I got off the phone with him just in time to see the bus I needed to get to his office drive by. Without another bus in sight I started walking. I missed every bus going in his direction and ended up walking back to his building. I walked in, cold, wet and hurting, got his keys and ran down to the bus stop. And watched the bus I now needed drive away.
So, I got to wait in the cold rain, already cold and wet, for another 30 minutes until the next bus came by.
I finally got home an hour or so later and crawled into bed. I’m feeling better now, but it was a rough morning. I’m so glad tomorrow is Friday. I am looking forward to the weekend!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Quick Question
Would anyone actually be interested in reading what I am working on?
I’ve been contemplating sharing...but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or just an idea…
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Life “Stuff”
I’ve been vaguely concerned with life “stuff” lately. Specifically the fact that my 10 year high school reunion will be coming up next summer. I know, I know, it seems a bit early to be thinking about next summer, what with it being November and all. But several things have happened lately that have caused me to think about where my life is now in comparison with my friends.
Yes, I know that we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but I live in the real world and so I do anyway.
I’ve received a lot of news from people lately. People are getting married, people who have been married are having kids, and people who have kids are having more kids. Careers are taking off. People are moving up in the world. Etc, etc, etc.
Then I think about me.
I’m not married. I don’t have kids (nor do I plan to anytime soon.) I’m not sure about my career. I still have that whole in the wrong band thing going on. Mostly because I don’t really think I belong doing what I am doing. It works for now, but I don’t think I’ll be doing it in 5 years or anything.
Anyway, I’ve been freaking out a little bit about my future. Where am I headed, what am I thinking about, will I get married, will I have children, will I finally figure out my career.
Tonight I realized something.
I don’t want to think about getting married. Not right now. It’s not the right time yet, and when it is, it will happen. But getting upset and fretting about it, it only drives me and every one around me crazy. I’m happy. I’m happier than I have been in a long time. For right now, that is enough.
I don’t want to think about kids. There is a good chance I will never have them. And that is okay. I don’t have to. I may want to someday, but that is someday and I cannot tell the future.
All of those people, all of the old “friends” that don’t bother to write anymore, they don’t really matter. Not in my every day life. I’ve moved on. So have they, which is why they don’t write anymore. Why we don’t pick up the phone and call each other.
And that’s okay.
It’s okay to be who I am, to believe in what I believe, to live the way I live. I may miss the reunion, but those people who matter, those people I care about, I don’t have to be re-united with them. We never left each other. And that is what really matters.
As you wake in the morning
What do you feel?
Does a rush of happiness
wash over you when,
Suddenly, you realize you are alive?
