Friday, May 06, 2005
Not sure what to think
My Grandmother died this week. This would be my Father’s mother.
I’m not really sure what to think about it. On one hand I feel guilty for all the things I had always meant to do and never did. I never wrote her, I never visited, I never made an effort. On the other hand, because I knew so little about her, and my father’s family, I don’t feel anything. And somehow that makes me feel bad as well.
So – about me and my father’s family…
My father’s family is not what I would call close. At least not to me. I have a feeling that has a lot to do with my mom’s relationship with dad and how they met, how they got together, and all that jazz. There isn’t anything I can do about that, and most of it I have learned as I have gotten older and really started to question the relationship. My dad was married before mom; he had three children with a previous wife. They are all older than me by a significant amount.
Dad wasn’t what I’d call a “stable” person. From what I understand now, and what I know personally, I’m sure there were mental issues. I don’t know that he truly understand cause and effect, and he did things sometimes without thinking. But serious things, like quitting his job when my mom was 7 months pregnant. Changing jobs, for lesser pay, after he and my mom bought a new house, a new car, and had two kids. Eventually he separated from mom. I think mom told me that he told her he just wasn’t happy anymore. I’m not sure if he knew how. When I was 11 he committed suicide.
At that point (and it’s a different story altogether) I wasn’t old enough to travel on my own. My brother and I did not attend the funeral (not by our choice, believe me.) That was it.
I didn’t hear anything from anyone on that side of the family until years later.
Years later when Dad’s mom, Margery, was put into a nursing home. I thought she had been in one all along. She should have been. As a “Legal Heir” my Uncle, whom I have never met, never had any contact with, was forced to call me and let me know he would be sending me legal documentation once a year detailing my grandmother’s expenses. But that was it. There was no love, no how are you, no we’re sorry we’ve never thought once about contacting you. Now this is done and he can forget about my existence all together.
I met dad’s mom, Margery, once when I was 8. I had been traveling with my dad. It was great; we had a great time together. We played in the park and ran around. She seemed nice. That was it. I am sure we wrote, my mom was so good about writing letters, especially when she thought it was important. But that’s it. I don’t remember meeting her or talking to her at any other time. She was mentally unstable herself, she had been struck by lightening twice.
And now I don’t know how to feel.
When I got the call, my brother told me, I wanted to feel something. But I didn’t. No sense of real loss, so hurt, just the lingering guilt that I should have done something and I never did.
I should call my sister, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how close she was with Margery. So I am neglecting that, putting that off, along with so many other things, because I don’t know quite what to think about them.
Not sure what to think about this, not sure at all.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Super Fabulous!
I’ve had a mentally stimulating day! How fabulous is that? I think super fabulous!
On my Way…
I was walking into work this morning, taking my usual route and trying to avoid the not so great corners where pockets of “ruffians” gather. While crossing the street I passed a guy that was smoking, not unusual. Just as I past him, he blew a cloud of smoke right in my face. I mentally thought “Grrr” and then realized it wasn’t cigarette smoke.
The guy blew pot smoke in my face first thing in the morning.
Objects in future may appear more difficult than originally perceived…
I was told the new person was “bright,” a “quick learner,” an “enthusiastic employee.”
She may be enthusiastic, but I certainly didn’t see that side of her. Instead, something that should have taken a few minutes to explain and complete took almost an hour. I got the feeling that “quick learner” to the hiring manager meant something completely different than it does to me. I have the distinct feeling this turnover is going to take a lot longer than originally planned.
Along with having issues with the overall theory of the work, the basic abilities to use the tools seem to be missing. (I.e. she was unaware you could copy and paste things from one email to another. I’m not kidding. We had to send 9 almost identical emails and when I told her to just open 9 new messages and copy the basic message she was in awe that it could even be done.)
I figured running through the process with me once would be enough. Now I am not so sure she will get it. In reality it isn’t my problem, after this month she will be on her own. Still, wow, it’s hard to believe that something like copy and pasting from one message to another is beyond her. Ack. So, instead of just a few hours of meetings for turn over - I have scheduled out entire days. I have the feeling it will all be used.
In other news, I am feeling much better this morning. I have the feeling I will crash this afternoon, but I am okay with that. I need to get some work done this morning. After that I can go home and sleep some more.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Sick and Tired…
Last week was, weird.
It was an “in-between” week, meaning I basically spent all week waiting for people to send me information. I was unsurprised not to receive much from anyone, regardless of how many times I requested the information.
Then my computer decided it no longer wanted to work. I spent Thursday and Friday without a computer, basically sitting at my desk reading. This led to a state of relaxation my body is not used to.
Friday afternoon I started to get sick.
I spent the weekend coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose. Oh, and drinking OJ. It was fun. I barely left the house on Sunday; I just wanted to lay on my couch. And I did, for the most part. It was nice. I would have enjoyed it more if I had been able to breathe, but I take what I can get.
So, I am back at work, waiting for more information. I am hoping this week to make some real progress on my deliverables.
As you wake in the morning
What do you feel?
Does a rush of happiness
wash over you when,
Suddenly, you realize you are alive?
