Thursday, February 17, 2005
What have they done?
Some smart ass somewhere created a lovely computer virus that attacks instant messenger. Do these people know what they have done? Don’t they know I spend hours every day on IM? They might have thought they were attacking businesses and decreasing productivity but they have done the opposite!
My company has completely shut down IM. Waaa!
Now, instead of wasting hours IMing various people throughout my company I am forced to WORK! How dare they?
It’s been down an entire day now. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost…
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Work Trauma
Work has been a never ending trauma for me for quite some time now. It seems that everything decided to come to head (along with everything else in my life) in the last two months.
I talked to a co-worker about making the move into her department. They are growing, its something I really know nothing about, and it would be different. On top of that, I didn’t see a future in my present department. Not with the Boss Lady still working there.
All of that seemingly changed when Boss Lady put in her two weeks. Suddenly doors felt as if they were flying open. I could do anything! And people were telling me all kinds of things! The stories I heard were incredible!
In the end, though, I am still doing the same thing. So I figured I had a choice. I could keep doing the same thing, in the same way, and hope something would change, or I could keep hitting up the other department for a chance of a completely different kind. So I put in the transfer request (after the boss lady signed it) and kept on my merry way. I figured, what ever I was supposed to be doing is exactly what I would end up doing.
Then all hell broke loose. One person (we’ll call this person M) didn’t want me working for someone else (H) so they were out to “rescue” me. Another person (we’ll call this one C) didn’t want me working for M and so was out to convince me to stay where I was. C didn’t have and doesn’t have any issues with H. H used to work for M. It all gets very confusing.
Then came yesterday. M called C to tell C that I am moving to M’s group. C got upset. C confronted me to tell me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. C put some pretty major pressure on me, as well as making some pretty outlandish promises, to get me to stay.
So I had to think. What was M offering? What was C offering? What were they both REALLY saying?
In the end I decided a few things. M’s group already has someone to do admin work. They wouldn’t hire me to do all the things that she does. She is great and loves her job. That is what she is there for. M wants to offer me the chance to change, to grow in an area where I have shown some interest and seem to have some ability.
C’s group has me. I’m the lowest person on that totem pole. It keeps getting more and more top heavy, which means I have more to support. C offered me the chance to grow, to take classes, but I would have to keep doing what I am doing. There would be no one to take my place. I would just have to do more on top of what I already do.
And there’s the answer. I hate what I do. And I see the writing on the wall. I know what is coming down the pike. I see documentation archiving, filing, more tracking and more reports. And more of people telling me what to do with out me having any real responsibility. And, if I was to get the responsibility, it would come with a caveat. It would come with the, “You can do this, but only if you get all of your other work done first.” I would get overloaded, I would work hard to make everything work, I would work overtime, and I would find myself living at the office to get collating done for the meeting the next morning.
I don’t want to do it.
So I am taking the job in M’s group. It might be more of the same, but somehow I don’t think so. Regardless, it seems my focus has changed. Work isn’t the end all be all for me anymore. I now have a dream 
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
…even for a Tuesday
What a day. It’s hard for me to believe it is only Tuesday. I feel like I have already been through a week’s worth of emotions and activities. Knowing a break isn’t going to happen isn’t helping.
Saturday night I found what I was looking for. I realized, while in the shower, what I really want to do with my life. I have written these things down a million times. Okay, at least 50. I have thought about them my whole life. Since I was a small child and used to play by myself, I have had the same dreams. Always the same. So what have I been doing?
I want, very simply, to write, to learn, to teach, to be.
Maybe not exactly in that order, but all of those are an interregnal part of who I have always been. I have always written, even if it was silly poetry only my mother could love. I have always loved learning, it’s my passion. Teaching is something I have always wanted to do, to pass on my knowledge and excitement for life.
So when did I forget all of this?
Was it that first education class I took in college? Where I suddenly realized that to be a teacher, I would have to teach and be responsible and thought, oh no? But that was 7 years ago. I found, when thinking about it, that I no longer have the fear.
The learning, well I have known for awhile that I need to go back to school. That’s what all the GMAT stuff was about. That one is a no-brainer.
Writing is the hardest part. Writing, and admitting that I want to write, that I love to write, is not something I truly want to admit. It’s a secret dream. A fantasy. People dream of becoming writers, they dream, they try, they get turned down, they become depressed. I never wanted to be turned down for my writing, so I didn’t do it. Except that I still wrote, and write, constantly. Look at this post! It’s huge!
So, back to Saturday night. Out of the shower, sitting in front of my computer, searching for a master’s program I found the perfect one. MFA in Creative Writing. The catch? I have under 2 weeks to get everything in. 3 letters of recommendation, 3-4 pages of a “personal statement” and a 25 page manuscript. Holy crap. I didn’t think I could do it. Till I started doing it.
So, with the help of some very wonderful people (Georgia you are FABULOUS!) I am going to do everything I can to get this in, get this done, and cross my fingers I get in.
I’ll write about the work traumas tomorrow…
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Saturday Morning
There is something uniquely wonderful about Saturday mornings.
I love waking up to the sound of the birds waking up. Their insistent chirping lets me know the day has begun and, like it or not, it is time to get up and get moving.
The getting up and moving is my favorite part.
I’ve started a new Saturday morning ritual for myself. I get up, wrap myself in blankets and watch the sunrise. Wonder Kitty and I hang out for awhile watching the birds. She runs from window to window knocking things over and cackling wildly at the birds. When the sun is finally up and the day has officially started, I put on some jeans, an old sweatshirt and my coat and head out for a morning walk. I go down to this great little coffee shop on the Ave. They have the best coffee and the best ambiance. I find myself wishing they had a location downtown so I could get a little shot of what they sell during the week. But they don’t and that makes Saturday mornings even more special.
Along with my coffee I usually pick up a pastry of some kind. They are all fresh and (I believe) made by the owner. They have these fantastic berry scones that melt in my mouth. I know they are filled with cream and butter and love the baker for using real ingredients and not cheating my taste buds.
After I pick up my coffee and pastry I walk around for awhile. I like to check out the store fronts while the shops are still closed. I can window shop all I want without the expectant or hopeful eyes of the shopkeepers on me. I can simply look, breathe the fresh morning air and be.
With hardly any people around early in the morning, the streets are mostly mine. I can stroll as slowly as I choose with no pressure from the world. I get to notice the trees blooming, the blossoms covering the sidewalk in a pink hazy cloud. The daffodils are starting to rise out of the ground, sometimes in the most unexpected places such as outside the cash wash on the corner. One little bloom making its way out of a throng of ivy to announce that Spring is on the way.
It doesn’t take long, this little ritual, and I am home in my cozy apartment once again. When I venture out again later in the day the world will have changed. People will be out, cars driving furiously to get to unknown destinations. The birds, trees and daffodils will take on a different tone and color suddenly being secondary to the humans around them. The air will not be as fresh. But in a matter of 7 days it will be Saturday morning again and time for a stroll.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Another one bites the dust…
So, I did it again.
Seems that I have been doing a lot of things over again.
This time I re-took the GMAT and didn’t get the score I needed. Again.
How is it possible to spend months studying something only to do worse than you did the first time?
I think perhaps it is a sign. One of those things where I asked the Universe, “Hey Universe! Tell me what I am supposed to be doing!” and it answered, “Well, You should really think of doing something else…”
Honestly I am beginning to wonder if I haven’t gotten caught up in that “Zero Sum Game” my mom is always warning me about. The game most people play in life, the “better than the Johnsons” game where there is only one winner and you play as fast and furious as possible to make the most money, acquire the most things, have the best kids, and show up everyone else…Basically live your entire life as if it were some sort of competition and the winner takes all.
Which isn’t how real life works.
In real life everyone can be a “winner” if they choose. It’s all about choice and doing what is best for you, there are as many types of winners as there are career choices, as there are types of yarn.
And I think the corporate game just isn’t for me. I have always felt that. I’m not that great at the game, I don’t really understand it, and I get caught up in worrying about the wrong things. I’ve always somehow landed on my feet, but I believe that it was no fault of mine. More like dumb luck.
Plus, I have been having the same songs go through my head. One is this tune by Tori Amos that has the line, “I’m quite sure we’re in the wrong band.” Perhaps I am in the wrong band.
As you wake in the morning
What do you feel?
Does a rush of happiness
wash over you when,
Suddenly, you realize you are alive?
