Thursday, January 27, 2005
All That Jazz
All That JazzSo much has happened this week. And yet so much has not happened this week.
My Boss is leaving. I wanted to jump for joy when I heard the news. At the same time, I am not so happy. There are the general questions of what will happen to me and where should I go from here. I realize that this is a catalyst. I need to use her exit as a jumping board to free myself from where I am. Yet I am getting pushback from all directions. Why don't I wait and see what happens. Why do I want to change. Why haven't I been happy and why haven't I done something sooner to change.
I know in my heart that I cannot continue to live as I have been living. I have been miserable in so many aspects of my life, I don't want to me miserable in any of them any longer. Life is too short. It's to precious. And, as my mother would say, you only get to live this life once.
I think to myself, enough is enough. I tell people, enough is enough. I have sat at my desk since July and made copies, written meeting minutes, and calendared appointments. I don't want to do it any more. I want to work, I want to use my brain, and I want...I want to feel useful.
So I have been talking. I have been talking to everyone I know. I have been telling them that I am miserable. I have been describing the things I have been doing for the last 7 months. In detail. I'm smart, I say, look at what I did before I got here. I can do more. I can contribute.
Someone took the bait. Get a transfer request signed and we will interview you. If we can get you out of where you are, we will.
So I fill out the request. I carefully fill in all of the information I can. All the boss has to do is sign it. I take it to her. She knows I am talking to this other group. She knows I am looking for other opportunities. She looks at the sheet and says, "I don't think I can sign this." Why? She looks at me... she tells me that I am a great performer and I have done great work for her, but she just isn't sure she can sign the request.
I know why she hesitated and it makes me hate her. I feel the anger swell inside of me as I walk out of the building. So much anger I want to cry. She doesn't want me to be in any other position. She knows that if I am there people can rely on me to get certain things done. All of this is true. But it is also true that I can get all of my work done in two days a week. She is leaving. She doesn't want me to leave too.
I think to myself, too bad. It will happen. I cannot continue to do what I have been doing. I am angry at life, at work, at my boss. Worst of all, I no longer care. I don't care about the report, I don't care about the portfolio, I don't care about anything. I don't have to. There is always someone around to do all the thinking for me. I am not required to think at my job. I just required to show up, make the copies and take the meeting minutes.
Aurgh.
Regardless, I cannot stay where I am any longer. I have told myself not to push, to wait and see what happens when she leaves, but I have seen the org chart. And something worse has happened. They want to hire a project manager for our portfolio manager to mentor. And it won't be me. I am not ready. They won't even give me a chance. They want me to stay where I am, to keep making copies. I won't do it. I will not. I cannot. I'm going insane.
If she doesn't sign the request I will go to her boss and ask him to sign it. I know him, I have worked with him in the past. I would hate to do it, I would hate to have to tell the truth about what has been happening, but I would do it. I wouldn't want my boss to look bad on her way out, but this is my future and if she won't sign I will find someone who will.
There just has to be a way out of this. There has to be.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
The Undiscovered Country
The Undiscovered CountryI realized the other day that the explanation for the quote on my Bio wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure why I took it off, or when, but I figured I would add a bit here. It's actually a funny story. One of those high school moments that grabs you by the shoulders and changes your life.
I was 17. My friends and I thought we were "intellectuals" of some sort and would hang out at the local Village Inn drinking coffee. Who knows how many hours we spent there, in our booths, discussing who knows what. I remember a few of the conversations, but not many. I do remember that life was a constant drama back then, always filled with some sort of angst, hormones and challenges.
There was this guy. He was fulfilling my secret dream. Keith was studying for his PhD in English. He was to become a professor. I was totally infatuated with him. The very idea that he was doing what I wanted to do...well I was 17. I am sure you can imagine how I felt.
I would try to talk to him. I would ask him about the books he was reading, about what classes he was taking. He would smoke his cigarettes, look impossibly sexy and intelligent with his greasy hair and smudged glasses and would talk to me with a certain level of disdain. I thought he was wonderful.
One night he descended from his haughty height long enough to actually hold a conversation with me. What he talked to me about I can hardly remember. With the exception of one part, he talked to me about the "Undiscovered Country." I had no clue what he was talking about, and being 17 and afraid that he already thought me elementary I didn't ask. The conversation struck me though, and stuck with me.
Later that year we studied Shakespeare's Hamlet in English class. There it was. In the middle of the famous "To be or not to be" speech. There was the undiscovered country I was looking for. We had to memorize lines for class, I choose this:
Who would fardels bear? To sweat and grunt under a weary life, but that the threat of something after death, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns, makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of? Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied over with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and movement with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action. (Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1)
Ever since that fateful day when I sat across from Keith I have thought about the undiscovered country. I have always had this quote nearby, ever since I found it. I have printed copies everywhere. I have one hanging in my bathroom this very minute. I still have the entire thing memorized. When I am lost, when I am unsure of my path, when I don't know which way to turn, I read this quote and I think, is this me? Would I rather bear the ills I know than fly to others? Sometimes the answer is yes. Most of the time the answer is no. I am an adventurer at heart. The undiscovered country is mine to explore.
Friday, January 21, 2005
I think it’s getting worse…
I think it's getting worse...(Yes this is a rant about work...again...)
I think that I have mentioned that my boss doesn't allow me to write my own email. Perhaps I haven't.
When I first started here, I sent a few emails on my own and was promptly told that all my email should go to the boss lady for approval before I sent them out. Okay. I could do that. She began re-writing every thing I wrote in her style. Um, okay. Then she would send me notes saying things like, "Don't worry, you will get better!"
I thought to myself, lady you are smoking crack. I was an English major in school. I write ALL the time! I'm a constant writer. And never in my life has anyone said anything negative about my writing. Never have I had anyone RE-WRITE my emails!
I took a deep breath. Okay. I can deal with this. She just likes things a certain way. (Of course this was before I realized what my life would become...)
Now it's getting worse. Now I can't even forward attachments without using text that she chooses. I get messages like this:
"Here is the doc mentioned @ yesterday's meeting by Mr.X. Plz distribute to the attendees w/ the following note:
Attached is the document referenced by MR. X @ the meeting related to the ~200 blah blah blah (can't include because it's sensitive).
Thanks E!"
Because I had to take some of the stuff out, you miss the bad grammar and the fact that the sentence she wrote didn't make any sense. I fixed it, because I was sending it out and wanted it to sound better. But still. I can't even send attachments without her telling me what to say.
Then today I get this email from her asking me to copy a memo she wrote into an email, attach a document she sent me and send on behalf of her. Seriously, wouldn't it be faster to just do it herself? Nope. I guess not.
This after I have had nothing to do all day. Seriously. I have studied for the GMAT all day and surfed the net. And don't think I haven't been looking for another job, it's just that nothing has come through yet. Aurgh. I really hate this.
Okay - I'm done - for now...
Pink prevails…
Pink prevails...For Christmas my mother gave me a bright pink scarf. While at her house at Christmas I left my other scarf, coat and gloves at her house. Needless to say I have been very happy I got the pink scarf because it's what I have been using since I left.
It's one of those fuzzy scarves that gets caught in my zipper and leaves little poofs of fluffiness every where. That doesn't bother me, I like little poofs of fluffiness.
I left a few more than usual sometime earlier this week. I remember seeing them around my desk and mentally shrugging. It happens.
However, the cleaning people did not do a good job of collecting the poofs this time. Instead it seems they have spread said poofs all over the floor. I keep seeing little bits of bright pinkness every where I go.
I just laugh to myself and wonder if anyone else knows where they came from.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Brain Dump:
Brain Dump:L and I went to the Asian market last week. I went mostly out of boredom. I do most things out of boredom. She wanted to pick up some fun things to cook and eat. and Wasabi peas. While we were there we happened upon the tea isle. I remembered some mint green tea I had not to long ago at the local tea house in Ballard. It was so yummy and relaxing, I looked to see if they had any where we were. Did they ever! I think there were 4 different kinds to choose from. I picked up some loose leaf tea, brought my tea strainer to work, and have been enjoying it ever since. It's called Moroccan Mint.
The other night, probably 2 weeks ago, I was up at 2am. I found I couldn't sleep so I decided to watch TV. Somehow I turned to the Food Channel and got hooked. I ended up watching a hour show on how to make chili. Ever since then I have been craving chili.
Monday night I decided to try making some and see how it went. I bought all kinds of ingredients and filled my chili pot up. It was okay, but it needed more tomato sauce. Last night I added the sauce with some more spices and I have to proclaim the entire thing a resounding success! It is fabulous! I got just the right amount of spice so that the chili makes your mouth sing without being over-poweringly hot. It's a good thing I like it, I will be eating it for at least a week!
Sometime ago I decided to read the top 100 fiction novels of the 20th century. Yes I was an English major. I got through about 25 before I gave up. This last week I found the list again and decided to start reading again. I found a cheap used copy of a book and started reading last night. The book is called, "A Good Man is Hard to Find and Other Stories" by Flannery O'Connor. These have to be some of the most morbid stories I have ever read. I was shocked after the first one, the second showed me a bit of the theme. It is every day people, doing ever day things, and dying. It's, well, it's wacky! I'm not sure what I really think at this point.
Whistler was cold. It was 8 degrees when we got there. It was fun though. So beautiful. I want to go back there. I want to take everyone I know there. The drive was gorgeous, once out of Vancouver. Words can't describe it. The weekend was perfect too.
As you wake in the morning
What do you feel?
Does a rush of happiness
wash over you when,
Suddenly, you realize you are alive?
