Tuesday, January 24, 2006
At a loss
I’ve been feeling the January slump.
After months of pushing, rushing and general business, everything feels as though it’s slowed down. In reality it hasn’t. Things are just as busy, if not more so, at work. I’m starting to feel the stresses of increased responsibility and lack of knowledge and experience. I joined a gym and have been attempting to go three to four days a week. I’m back in school, working on the novel.
It’s only the 24th of January, but I feel like I should be much further than I am.
Part of the problem is the constant look forward that comes with project life. We’re always looking forward, planning the next move, never really thinking about the here and now. That kind of mentality stinks because it tends to bleed into everything else.
I’m starting to be effected.
I realized tonight that everything feels out of control. I don’t feel like I have the time to write, I don’t feel like I have been putting in the effort needed to forward my story and I have no idea where the story is going. Add to that the fact that we’re assigned to write a 3 to 5 page synopsis and it’s no wonder I’m freaking out. I don’t work this way. Part of me wants to drop the class right now and just take the book from the beginning. Part of me also knows that I am getting valuable feedback from the people I meet there and shouldn’t give that up. The rest of me knows that it is easy to quit. It’s far too easy to quit.
So, instead of quitting I need to come up with a plan. I need to do some research and I need to write. I need to write a lot. And I need to “keep the main thing the main thing.” I keep getting distracted from the main thing. Mostly in the form of work. Because work freaks me out. Because work is an easy distraction. Life is an easy distraction.
I think, what I really need, is to finish something. I need to finish some projects that have been hanging over my head and I need to make a plan for the rest of it.
Friday, January 20, 2006
The streets of Seattle
There was a break in the almost constant rain yesterday. Enough to let some of the crazy people feel safe enough to come out of where ever it is they go when it’s been raining for 30 some odd days. (no, not consecutive days, the darn clouds broke for a 36 hours stretch, just long enough for us NOT to break that stupid record. But it’s been raining ever since.)
Due to the break in the rain and having meetings in other buildings, I too was outside more than usual yesterday, and thus exposed to the crazy people on the street.
The morning started out with a black man begging for change for food. His race is important, because as soon as I refused him he immediately started cursing “you white folks” for never giving change. I was also berated for being racist, which I found interesting. I did feel a little guilty a few minutes later when I had my warm coffee and bagel in my hands heading into the office, but I figure that is why I have a job and go to work every day. So I can eat.
Later I was making my way to the Library and saw another person on the side of the road. This time the guy had a small bottle of booze in his hand and was busy toasting a UPS truck. It looked like he and the truck had been deep in conversation for some time as he was just coming to the end of his toast when I passed by. I made the mistake of looking back at him, to make sure I was seeing what I was seeing, and the guy gave me an angry look and started muttering to the UPS truck about people on the street.
Finally, in the afternoon I was heading off to another meeting and heard a guy yelling on a street corner. I’m not exactly sure what causes people to do this, but it’s funny and interesting at the same time. This guy was somewhat of a religious fanatic and was yelling about God, Jesus and telling every one that he was “The only one who walks the line.” The thing that makes me laugh about this is the people’s relations to it. Some people yell back, either in praise or anger. In this case, one guy was hollering at the other about how wrong he was and that he wasn’t the only one that walks the line. What ever the line is. There were also some ladies further down the street who were discussing the guy.
I guess what really gets me about this is how common place it feels to me now. Crazy people are all over downtown. I am constantly asked for spare change and I constantly tell people no. Then I am berated for not being a kind person. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, most of the time I just shrug. I know there will be more beggars in the summer time, especially during tourist season. And there will be more people yelling about God, the government and various other things.
I just hope, through it all, that I still see the humor on the other end.
Monday, January 16, 2006
The First Half of the Weekend
I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop. I’m trying the whole “coffee shop novelist” thing on for size. For the most part it seems to be working pretty well. Until the manager showed up and started talking to the barista about work, employees and general coffee shop drama. Coffee shop drama doesn’t help when I am typing novel drama. 
Hill Billy Hoedown
This weekend has been all about Freeman and his birthday. In celebration we’ve taken a four day weekend. Thursday night we went to the Tractor Tavern for a hoedown. We went to see the Hackinsaw Boys and Railroad Earth The Hackinsaw Boys were awesome. I’d love to get some of their music to work out to. Railroad Earth was another story completely. Where as the first band rocked out and had the whole place jumping and singing along, the second was quiet and mellow. They had refined their sound so much, I felt like I could have just bought a CD and stayed home(thought it probably would have cost me more.) Though I am sure they have a large fan base, there were a lot of people who seemed to be very familiar with their work, I quickly grew bored. After the “meat” of every song they continued to “jam” on for 8-10 minutes and each time it sounded just like the time before.
While the band didn’t entertain me, the crowd sure did. It was an eclectic mixture of hippies and hill billies, of old and young, of sober and not so sober. In watched people move their bodies in ways that seemed uncomfortable and at the same time sit right in with the music. One lady got right in front of us during the second set. The song was something about a pretty bird, and you could see that she really took the song to heart. She got right up to the stage and gestured at the lead singer, attempting to get his attention. It was clear that this woman was inebriated, though by what wasn’t so obvious. Life had taken it’s toll on her.
Her actions had started to make some of the people near us a bit angry. To diffuse the situation, I looked at one and said, “Oh look! A pretty bird!” He laughed and said a couple of the lines from the song back to me. From that point he would look at her, look at me and start laughing.
We didn’t stay for the whole show. I think we saw most of it, but we were starting to get tired and it was getting late. We headed home.
The Garage
Friday was Vanessa’s birthday. Vanessa was born 12 hours before Freeman and they have been friends since childhood. We met up with her at the Garage on Capital Hill for some drinks, bowling and fun. We had all three! I was able to score above 50 on all three rounds, though by the end I was having problems carrying, let alone aiming the ball. I managed to get a few strikes (I thin perhaps 3 in all) and I might have closed out a frame or two, but for the most part my bowling was atrocious.
We were quite intoxicated and Freeman had decided to treat me to a cab ride home (we had taken the bus up there, no worries we don’t drive drunk) when Vanessa decided her husband would be happy to take us home. This was news to him, but he obliged and drove us home.
We arrived safe and sound.
They came up for a few minutes when the true reason for them driving us home. Vanessa wanted to stick around until midnight when it was officially Freeman’s birthday. Midnight rolled around, and they left shortly after.
The birthday
I had asked Freeman if he wanted a cake for his birthday. He told me that he did. So Saturday morning I got up and went to the store. I picked up fixens for breakfast and the ingredients I would need to bake a birthday cake. I came home, cooked up breakfast and started on the cake. It turned out really nicely. It was a layered chocolate cake with peanut butter chocolate frosting.
His mom came up and went to lunch for his birthday. We didn’t go out Saturday night. We decided that two nights out were enough for one weekend.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
We don’t need no drama
After all of the drama yesterday, today everything is blissfully silent. Though I regret arguing, the outcome has been a super quiet workplace. I’ve gotten more done today than in 3 normal days. All because one person has kept silent.
I had a brief conversation with my boss regarding the situation. I admitted it was my fault as well as this other persons. She said not to worry about it. Just to let it all blow over and it would work itself out. She also mentioned that this person has been on a bit of a tirade lately and I was just the latest target. I had noticed that, and I think several other people have seen it as well. It almost makes me sad for her.
Almost.
Because she said some things yesterday that I can’t just discount. In the heat of the moment our true feelings come out and now I understand how she feels about me. Understanding is half the battle, and now I know to be careful in the future.
But for now, all is quiet.
Monday, January 09, 2006
I did it
I finally did it. The one thing I have been attempting NOT to do for weeks, okay months now. I’ve blown up at my co-worker for missing work.
I know that I should not have done this, which is why I have been working for months on not saying anything. But today I lost it. Today was the last straw.
There was a project we were supposed to work on together. I took a bunch of pictures and she was supposed to help me reformat them for a document she was creating. I took the pictures Friday morning and thought we had agreed that she would help me finish the process that afternoon.
But she left.
I got back from lunch and she was packing up and left.
I asked my boss what to do, I had a ton of work to do and I wanted to her to do what she said she would do, which was help me. My boss told me to leave it. So I did. I thought nothing more of until this morning.
This morning when she stood at my desk demanding to know when I would have the work done. Not only demanding, but raising her voice and accusing me of using her being out of the office as an excuse to not do my work and make her look bad.
So I lost it.
I lost it in front of the boss too.
I feel bad – in a way – but then again I don’t. She’s been missing so much work that everything has been getting dumped on me. I’m now over loaded and something had to give somewhere. It just happened to be my temper.
Now she’s not speaking to me, but I don’t feel so bad because I don’t really want to talk to her. What I really want is for her to show up to work and be a team player.
As you wake in the morning
What do you feel?
Does a rush of happiness
wash over you when,
Suddenly, you realize you are alive?
